We, strong in belief systems, morals and values, sit on imaginary juries and imaginary judicial benches, condemning sufferers of mental illness for not suffering in a way that is more palatable for us as a society. Instead, we accuse sufferers or not doing enough, of exaggerating suffering, or worse, tell them they are not suffering at all, just making poor choices.
It is fucking appalling.
Now that I have clawed out of that hell, and have had to justify my own suffering and my own choices to experience recovery, I feel an unwavering responsibility to fellow sufferers to challenge society’s views on dealing with people who suffer from mental illness. Especially in the closest relationships, where sufferers are oftentimes ostracized once their illness becomes too hard for those closest to them to bear. It is possible to make all of the right choices, take all of the right meds and still suffer from profound symptoms. Conversely, it is possible to love someone with mental illness deeply, while allowing your own binds to render you ineffective and actually harmful to their healing process. We’ve got to start having these conversations.
Love From a Distance
When it comes to leaving relationships where emotional manipulation and sometimes even violence occurs on top of mental illness, our society has failed in providing adequate support for women, leaving us to navigate these journeys alone. Like many others, I had to navigate the judgement and abandonment from close family, on top of the immense pain of marital separation, emotional abuse, physical violence and displacement.
the family members who made the unfortunate choice of judgment over empathy, I know I will need to make peace with loving you from a distance. I know you don’t “get” me now that I am not in partnership with my ex. And that is okay. If you don’t get me now, in my grief, then you won’t “get” me a year from now when I am thriving and the worst of this dark period is over.
No, you won’t “get” my recovery if you didn’t “get” my suffering. You cannot possibly understand the magnitude and the magnificence of being delivered from the depths of such darkness that suicide seems to be the only logical course of action. Even when I explicitly expressed my suicidal thoughts, you turned a blind eye. Your own wounds impacted your ability to treat me humanely or with care. And still I survived, somehow. No, you just don’t get me.
Our family’s history, as with so many others, is marred by generations of emotional abuse and neglect, and an inclination toward substance abuse. The matriarchs down my line have allowed themselves to endure abusive relationships, perpetuating a cycle of pain and suffering right down the line to where I now stand.
To my blood family, I am here to stop all of it. I am breaking the chains of our generational binds. Through self-love and personal growth, I have transformed my relationships with sedatives and people, and have learned not to tolerate abuse. It is a decision I make out of love for you, dear family members, but even more for myself. The cycle ends with me.
Breaking the Chains
Breaking cycles is not easy or pretty. I’ve faced some pretty harsh criticism for the decisions I have had to make to preserve my health. Unlike my maternal predecessors, I am no longer someone who accepts being hurt as a sign of love. I am no longer someone who accepts relationships without mutual respect or accountability. I have shed my judgmental nature and now refuse to let the judgements of others soak into my spirit any longer.
Now, I strive to understand and alleviate the suffering of others. I have experienced the loneliness of standing trembling and hurting, feeling lost and scared. That is why I am committed to supporting those who need self-love, even if their actions deviate from society’s expectations. I know how crucial it is to have someone stand by your side during such challenging times. Knowing you are not alone in the darkest moments can be more powerful than most people will ever understand. This is where the magic of chosen family comes in.
Embracing New Family
The pain of being cast as an outsider by members of your biological family is profound, but I believe it can pass. In my own journey, the family that remains with me, both blood-related and chosen, will witness my transformation into the most vibrant version of myself. This patchwork family, a beautiful group of supportive individuals, will celebrate my growth and achievements. I eagerly look forward to celebrating with them, as we collectively embrace dignity, self-love, and unwavering truth, delivering ourselves and each other from generations of bonds.