At first, navigating the intricate landscape of healing from separation with my ex while also recovering from chronic mental illness felt impossible. I did not see a way to survive the seemingly bottomless well of grief. In this time, my network emerged as pillars of support. Their cheers heartened me as I forged a path to my new life, with a determination to not only survive, but to thrive.
I focused on setting healthy boundaries in my relationships, so I could be effective as a relationship participant. I started to see myself as empowered over my future, examining why I had made choices and mistakes in my past, rather than pointing fingers at others as a perpetual victim. While victimization happened, the actions happened only once. Choosing to relive traumas kept me in a cycle of victimization I no longer had to experience. So I stepped off of the hamster wheel.
I learned how to review my own actions and mistakes not with criticism, but with understanding of internal triggers that may have been at play. Triggers, especially the deeply ingrained triggers caused childhood trauma aren’t always apparent to the logical/rational mind. I stopped expecting them to be.
I became mindful of a present that was both painful and exciting, integrating tenants of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) in my daily practice at mindful living. I started waking up to see the sunrise, and implementing other healthy habits to help me along in my healing process. In those first few months I wouldn’t even allow myself alcohol, as I was too fearful that I may escape the pain by anaesthetizing myself permanently.
My supports helped fuel the beginning of my journey. That support will always be remembered and cherished.
Examining All Relationships A Little Closer
Once I set boundaries and started implementing them, the unhealthy dynamics of some of my closest relationships, both familial and friends, became apparent as the pain of my separation subsided and I relied on others less for emotional support. There seemed to be expectations of me to stay broken, almost as if my will to thrive was an insult to some in my tribe. Resentment of healthy practices I was implementing became verbal. I was told I was becoming too rigid, and not fun to be around, because I chose to stay home and read rather than go to bars and drink.
Unfortunately, this exact kind of resentment was in play with my ex during the last years of our relationship. As I worked hard to be healthy, exercising, taking meds, eating cleaner, attending therapy sessions, running support groups, he treated me as if my healthy actions were an insult to him. He spoke negatively of my efforts, frequently telling me I needed to just relax.
Red Flag #1 – Do Anything to Avoid Being Alone
As I healed and became confident in my skin again, I started noticing some pretty unhelpful, if not outright bad advice coming from my corner. One of my supports told me that setting healthy boundaries creates a bar that no one can live up to, and I will be in danger of living isolated and alone.
While it could very well be true that I end up alone, the boundary we were discussing was that I was not willing to be verbally abused. By anyone. Not family, not friends. Call me crazy (wouldn’t be the first time) but asking to not be verbally abused is not an impossible standard. It may be impossible for people who use verbal abuse as a way to relate or cope, but that is not the norm for most people. And for those that use this extremely unhealthy tool in relationships, they lost me as a participant.
Red Flag #2 – Familial and Old-standing Relationships, Even if Toxic, Must Be Kept Intact
One thing society likes to do is determine who in your life, you must keep close to you at all costs. Mothers are akin to Gods in this regard. Society has somehow never met a toxic mother, so the thought of estrangement from a mother is taboo and met with a “but that’s your mother” judgment.
Well, I call a flag on this. Not all mothers deserve to be an integral part of their child’s life. Some mothers actively undermine the health, safety or sanity (sometimes all of these) of their children, whether small children or full-fledged adults. As an adult who is halfway estranged from my mother, I keep her at arms-length because that is what is healthiest for me. I know it is not popular, but it is what it is. As a survivor of immense childhood trauma with a mother who denies the gravity of that trauma, I know I am serving my heart and mind best in this way.
Ultimately, the same goes for any long-standing relationship. If someone is behaving in a way that is abusive, verbally or mentally or otherwise, with no accountability or review of that behavior, they are gone. Plain and simple. I no longer feel sentimental about keeping cruel people close to me just because of longevity. If they want to come with me to the next decade, they have to treat me humanely. They have to approach me with emotional intelligence, at minimum, and not seek to tear me down just because they get frustrated situationally and don’t have the right words to process the situation. The lack of awareness of their own behavior is no longer my cross to bear.
Green Flag #1 – My Gut Never Lies
Trusting my intuition became the cornerstone of my decision-making process, and it has guided me through the intricate dance of relationships and revealed concealed truths about the agendas of others.
While the saying goes that “hindsight is 20/20”, intuition is having the foresight and courage to see things as they are, so that we don’t have to rely solely on the past to learn important lessons. There will be exceptions to this rule, of course. Reflecting on how my own behavior contributed to conflict will always be an important skill to keep nurturing throughout my life. It is okay to make mistakes when emotions run high, we are all human. But those high emotions will subside. That is when review and accountability must occur in order to keep relationships healthy and in balance.
Intuition will just teach me how much energy and emotion I need to bring into a situation, so there is less to review or apologize for later. This reliance on intuition became what will always be my compass, navigating the complex terrain of human connections with an unwavering sense of responsibility to honor others and myself.
Green Flag #2 – I Love Myself Unconditionally
A metamorphosis unfolded as I embraced the concept of unconditional self-love. No longer willing to tolerate the conditional nature of external worth, I demand humane treatment from those sharing my space. This transformative shift, though fraught with pain, solidified my commitment to love myself and respect myself. This has also helped me be aware of when I may be crossing boundaries of others. And apologizing when I overstep. Apologizing has become a lot less threatening and painful in this process. My ego rules my behavior less than it used to.
No matter what I do or don’t do, do right or wish I had done differently, I give myself grace and benefit of the doubt. I try to do the same for others. I know I am doing my best at all times, and may have blind spots. I can honor the same in others. Discovering my blind spots is my responsibility, but I will love and hold myself in high regard despite my mistakes.
Conclusion
This odyssey of navigating boundaries became a profound testament to the ebb and flow of relationships, and the cycles of life. Some connections, despite their historical significance, may harbor immense toxicity. The pain of letting go has been eclipsed by a liberating sense of freedom and self-love. I am not afraid to examine my motivations or actions, because I know I am still loved. And, it is true that some relationships are meant to be just a season. Or a collection of seasons. Not all of my relationships will stand the test of time, as I learned from the collapse of my marriage.
No longer am I driftwood, allowing myself to be tossed from one narrative to another. How others perceive me doesn’t have to be my business. No longer am I beached on an isolated island, wondering why I am misunderstood and feeling alone. I know I am doing my best. I can lift myself up, and still believe that I can do better tomorrow.
If being alone is the thing I have to fear most, I know I am going to rest in loving arms.
