Having Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is an ongoing battle that extends beyond the individual experiencing it, much like the dynamic between partners living with other chronic conditions. Being a partner of someone with PMDD means feel as if they live with two separate people in one body, without a way to forecast who they are dealing with on any given day. The sufferer has the responsibility of managing unwelcome symptoms and trying to minimize impact to their relationships. This is where partners and other loved ones must do their parts to ensure that no unprocessed baggage impacts the relationship negatively. It is essential to acknowledge when unhealthy dynamics may exist on either side of a partnership. This blog post delves into the complexities of relationships affected by PMDD and highlights the importance of recognizing and addressing unhealthy patterns to protect the most treasured relationships, and letting go of the ones that are no longer healthy.
The Eye-Opening Impact of PMDD
PMDD significantly influences relationships in myriad ways, making it crucial for both partners to acknowledge the disorder’s impact on the relationship. On a regular basis, partners should discuss the relationship through check-ins. Both partners must be vulnerable during these discussions, so both partners can feel heard, while learning ways to support each other more effectively. This disorder may expose underlying issues that have been overlooked or ignored, leading to a reassessment of the relationship’s viability. In my own case, my ex continued to shirk accountability for his actions, and refused to acknowledge my apologies when I came to the table after self-reflection on my behaviors.
He would engage in arguments with me during the worst of my PMDD days, instead of choosing to continue these talks on another day. When I would express when something wasn’t helpful, he would re-state his intention to help, speaking to me as if I was ungrateful. He chose to make inappropriate and jokes about cruelty I experienced as a child, and then speak to me as if I had no sense of humor when I reacted. What he was willing to offer in our relationship was no longer a healthy option for me. He was unwilling to examine how his behavior and unprocessed trauma was influencing my symptoms and our relationship, despite all of my efforts managing my disorder. Despite being married for almost twenty years, and growing up together, he was not a partner I could keep in my life if I wanted to be healthy.
Letting Go for Personal Growth
PMDD may shed light on relationships that no longer serve their purpose, by making symptoms worse, or making new symptoms surface when unhealthy dynamics continue. This was true in my own PMDD journey. Throughout the course of three years, my symptoms went from surface to debilitating, as my marriage shifted from loving to unkind. I became bedridden for several weeks near the end of our marriage. Friendships and partnerships I once sustained out of sentimentality rather than genuine desire became untenable for me.
While I don’t recommend this for all PMDD sufferers experiencing a difficult month in their relationships, some sufferers may find a need to recognize and respectfully end relationships when they become unhealthy. This can help provide space for nurturing healthier connections that support emotional well-being. In my experience, ending unhealthy, unkind relationships helped me to realize that there doesn’t have to be a victim and a perpetrator in my story. I can choose to look at my ex as a man impacted by wounds that haven’t quite healed right. These unhealed wounds made him an unviable partner for me in this next phase of my life, despite all of the love I still have for him. I can look at all of the wounds he inflicted as reflections of his own pain. Through that kind of understanding, empathy and forgiveness will take deep root as time goes on, regardless of how he chooses to deal with his baggage.
Walking Away: The Warrior Narrative
The decision to walk away is often met with resistance and attempts to shift blame onto the PMDD sufferer by disgruntled partners, friends left behind, or relatives who no longer have an emotional foothold on the sufferer. This shifting of blame can feel like added injury to a sufferer regularly living in shame for experiencing symptoms they can’t control. When a sufferer of a chronic illness like PMDD is doing everything they can to manage symptoms, being judged by loved ones can feel defeating and cruel. It is crucial to recognize and embrace the strength and resilience within oneself, reframing the narrative from victimhood to warriorhood when these judgements occur. If a sufferer can remember to celebrate their wins as they occur, the kudos from the people around them can begin to feel less important. It is possible relationships will end with unhealthy partner, it is also possible that loved ones will choose sides, and there can be unforeseen hurt that needs to be processed, on top of the immense pain of leaving relationships. It is so important in these times, to be kind and accepting to self, while extending empathy and gratitude to the relationship that was lost. Continue celebrating the wins and the perfect moments when they come. In this mindset, healthy relationships based on respect, kindness and forgiveness can grow and flourish.
